Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The geography of knob size

You may have caught this map going round the interwebs recently. (You can get a better look here, and it's based on data from here.) Having done a couple of posts in the last couple of years about race and penises, how could I ignore this? It's not an obsession of mine, I swear.

Anyway, at this point I'll just say straight up that if you are somehow reading this from the Democratic Republic of Congo, take a moment's break from dodging bullets in order to bask in some national pride, since your country is apparently a world leader in big-dickedness. DR Congo is the only country in the survey in which the average length tops 7 inches. It's also particularly impressive because the average age of Congolese surveyed was apparently only 16.3 years, meaning that some of the subjects are still growing! Heavens. Congratulations Congolese, you should celebrate. Just don't celebrate too wildly, you might take someone's eye out with that thing.  On the other hand, if you happen to be from South Korea... well, you may wish to stop reading this now. You don't come out of this with a whole lotta glory, I'm afraid. In fact, Asians in general are not overly flattered by this study, as you can see in the map.

Of course, I don't really put a whole lot of stock in these things, partly because as someone who is part-Asian, it does suit me to say "I don't believe in these things." But also because I'm not sure how you accurately take measurements of guys' erections. I mean, if some scientist dude orders me to muster one up and approaches me with a ruler, I'm not sure whether I'm going to be able to perform to the best of my ability. And some of the measurements come from self-reporting, which is some cause for scepticism. Self-reporting surely adds on at least another inch, I figure. For instance, Lebanon (self-reported) is listed as having an average length almost 3 cm longer than neighbouring Turkey, where the members were actually measured.
Notably, some of the biggest results come from countries in which the subjects self-reported. Including DR Congo! So are Congolese guys really the biggest in the world, or just the biggest liars?

That average age of 16.3 for the Congo puzzled me as well. So how many people under 16 were part of this survey? Because, well, they are considered children, and it's a brave man who visits a country as horrifically violent as the Congo and then goes around asking kids how big their penises are. I'm sure they lost many a good researcher that way.

If you know a little bit about human evolution, you'll know that it makes sense that Africans might have longer penises. Africans in general have longer limbs in proportion to their bodies than populations from other parts of the world; it's an adaptation to hot climates. Whereas East Asians, having evolved in a cold climate, generally have shorter limbs. So if that applies to limbs, it probably wouldn't be surprising  if it applied to genitalia as well.

Does having a big penis confer an evolutionary advantage? Probably not really, unless there is some advantage in being able to shag your partner while standing slightly further away from them than the next guy. Or if you live on the dangerous African savannah and need a weapon to club a lion to death with. Does it improve your chances of landing a mate? Not really. The nature of human sexual courtship means that by the time your ladyfriend is staring down the barrel of your member and in a position to analyse it, you're likely to be getting some action (and thus potentially passing on your genes) anyway.

Weirdly, coming second on the list after the DR Congo is Ecuador. Ecuador? Wow. For all the jokes and stereotypes I've heard over the years about black fellas and their trouser snakes, I've never heard anyone joke about being "hung like an Ecuadorian". What's more, unlike the Congolese, the Ecuadorian samples were actually measured by researchers, rather than being self-reported.
Maybe they used sexier research assistants for the Ecuadorian fieldwork, and the local fellas responded accordingly?
But it's not just Ecuadorians, but their neighbours too. Colombians, Peruvians, Bolivians and Venezuelans are all packing a fair whallop, all more than any European country. Maybe it's all that coca they chew.

As for Asian dudes, well... not to worry, I guess. Maybe next time don't turn the aircon all the way to extra-cold when some researcher is trying to measure your penis. And as so many women have expressed to me in the past with thinly disguised pity, it's not the size that matters, it's what you do with it. So some of y'all might need to start learning some tricks.

More seriously, this sort of thing is not good PR for Asian men in general, but personally I don't think it's cause for major concern. Most of us don't normally spend our days looking at other men's penises, so there's little point in worrying about how you compare with something else you're unlikely to ever actually see. Most women don't really care, anyway. For sexual satisfaction, skill is by far the most important attribute, followed by girth, with length just not a high priority.

Anyway, Asians are clearly doing something right. Over 1 billion people in both India and China shows that even if these studies are true, it's no impediment to getting one's swerve on.
Above: A cock from the Congo. Very impressive.

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  1. Asians are clearly doing something right?
    Knocking someone up has nothing to do with penis size, and if you call that right, than look at all the fatherless from those Indian and asian places.

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